Danga' Danga'

The new update from Quit Meter: 97 cigarettes not smoked, $24.25 saved. We went out of town this weekend to Monterey and I craved a cigarette at various points throughout the weekend, these being the most interesting:

1) The Monterey Bay Aquarium was great but, duh, teeming with children. We'd stupidly thought that no one would really be travelling the weekend after New Years. Oh boy, were we wrong. After putting up with loads of children in small, dark spaces, I wanted to smoke cigarettes and do shots of tequilla. See? I'm an adult. I have no kids. I drink. AND SMOKE.

2) They charge $9 to drive on a road? Behind tourists going 5 MPH and staring down the locals to see if they're Clint Eastwood? And once we pass them, to be mocked by TWO people in a row driving Rolls Royces with GOLD trim, not chrome, while then behind the Movie Tours bus? Oy. Can we please pull over by the lone cypress and smoke half a pack? Please?

3) We'd made reservations at a restaurant on Cannery Row for our "fancy dinner" of the trip. We knew we were taking a gamble by eating in the tourist spot, but it was walking distance from the hotel (no drinking and driving!), reasonably priced, and came recommended. Oh boy. We walked up and I thought, maybe it was a problem when they were the only restaurant on Cannery Row with a hocker out front trying to drum up business. Then, we walked in and I thought, maybe it was a problem that they had bright, sparkly turqouise booths and the clientelle were either huge families or solo diners. I knew it was a problem when we sat down. There were no bottles of wine available, it was only by the glass and to the tune of $7/ glass of a type I spend $6/ bottle on sale at Albertsons. The menu was different than the one we'd seen online, and not in a good way. We may have stuck it out if it weren't for the fact that the light above our table kept blinking in and out and making this horror movie buzzing sound. I faked sick and we high tailed it out of there... starving. The one really well reviewed restaurant within walking distance had a two hour wait. So, we went to El Torrito. For reals. Anyhow, the point of this story, we each had two fabulous cadillac margaritas at El Torrito. Fabulous. The waiter would walk by and shake the Grand Marinier shot glass to make sure we were consuming each last drop. I really, really wanted to smoke after that. The husband had a cigarette and we looked for a sweet shop. We stumbled across a cigar shop. I went into the back cellar and literally sniffed bags of tobacco and loads of cigars while drinking strong, black coffee. Gross? Yes. But, at least I didn't smoke.

4) After a ten am wine tasting in the Carmel Valley. Who drinks wine at ten am without a follow up cigarette?

The realization... I smoke(d) because

1) I am the square in my family. When I started smoking I was the nerdy, ugly one with good grades. Smoking was both rebellious and dangerous. Quitting smoking in the short term means loosing some sort of edge. So, I am hoping to keep the edge alive by riding a bike in the city and learning how to dive for abalone in the Red Triangle (read: great white breeding ground).

2) Smoking is something entirely selfish. Something I "do for myself." So fucked because, obviously, doing this something for myself is killing me. (A fucking decade I've been smoking. And not socially). So, I am taking the money saved ($24.50 now) and using it on indulgent beauty treatments. Next weekend - a pricey pedi with A. Followed by -- facials? Haircuts? Expensive heels that I can wear while riding a bike down Market street?