Grandpa Wes

My grandfather is quite the character. I have described him to friends as Charles Bukowski without the talent and with more money. Basically he's cranky and drinks a lot. He's a shysty, hard working okie with amazing business sense and little concern for other people's feelings. For example, he did not give us a wedding gift but stuffed $200 dollars between the (admittedly luscious) breasts of my friend/ photographer. My grandmother, the only person on the face of this earth who could put him in check God bless her soul, passed away a little over two years ago.

Tonight, driving home with my good news, I got a phone call from grandpa Wes:

Me: "Well, I have good news."

GW: "uh-huh."

Me: "I got a summer job -- the one I really wanted."

GW: "uh - huh, how much money you gonna make."

Me: "Well, it's unpaid but it's such a great opportu-"

GW: "They're not gonna pay you? Goddamn, I'll tell you that George Bush had runit this world. I called you because I saw him on TV and they said he was gonna raise the price of college. Isn't that awful?"

(I'm conflicted -- I love that my grandfather and I are politically aligned. But, is 'congratulations' to much to ask for?)

Me: "So how are you doing?"

GW: "I'm living a miserable life. I had a plan and it got shot to shit when Doris died. Boy, I'll tell you. It's like my good friend Tommy Tompson. His boy's 33 years old and just got out of rehab. So, I'm going to help him out. I gave him about a thousand dollars today and I'm gonna help him get a job with the union."

(I almost get into an accident for the following reasons: 1) He is giving a GRAND to a recovering DRUG ADDICT but didn't give me a wedding gift and hasn't helped me at all with school. 2) I know that he truly misses my grandma, I really believe that. BUT, he was having an affair with his housekeeper when she died. So, I pull over to talk to him while in a safe, parked position.)

Me: "Well, that's real nice of you." (Reverting to my own, long lost Oklahoma twang)

GW: "Yup, I have a bunch of money and no reason to live anymore."