Something thoughtful

It's Sunday. The extra weekend day washed down with the glass of wine I'm drinking rendered me reflective.

Yesterday, trying to purge, I went through a host of old papers I wrote in undergrad writing classes. Some of them were really good. Good enough to get into a writing program at least as good as my law school. I know I'm supposed to be reflecting on law school, but my hardest part of law school is something that I thought I had figured out over a year ago.

My feelings about school are jumbled and change on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis. When things are going well, I feel confident that I made the right choice. But, when the crap starts flying, my immediate reaction isn't, well, law school (especially the first year) is hard, and this is just part of the deal. Instead, I let myself spiral into an existential debate. Self, maybe this is harder for you than it is for everyone else. And, maybe the reason that it's harder is because you made THE wrong decision about who you should be and you, my dear, will regret it for the rest of your life.

A cab driver I rode with yesterday seems to agree with my latter version. As he was driving me to the library, he asked what I wanted to do with my law degree. When I responded, he said, "Are you SURE? You know, you'll be stressed out all the time and stress affects your marriage and your children. Stress is the number one reason for divorce and you really don't want to be unhappy." Actually, I'm looking forward to an unfulfilling life of unhappiness. Prick.

Then again, a bus driver in undergrad told me I should do "Something fucking employable" when I told him I was an English major. And really, their advice (or anyone else's for that matter) have nothing to do with my own doubt. Doubt that created a place where I can blame anything remotely suckish about school.

If I can ignore/ extinguish that doubt, I think I will be in a much better place.